Solving the insecurity problem

The fear of not being enough

At the core of almost every issue we face in life lies the fear of not being enough. We each crave a sense personal significance and yet inevitably seek this need to be met externally looking for validation, acceptance and approval from the world around us.

We fear we are not enough and are insecure about our value.  

Left untreated, this insecurity leads to what can only be described as madness. News reports from around the world confirm this reality every day! From Donald Trump to Harvey Weinstein to Manus Island and Global warming. It's all madness!

The fear of personal inadequacy drives all dysfunctional behaviour and causes inherently good people to consistently, and against their better judgment, make choices that hurt them and those they care about.

While most people are insecure about being insecure and so will never have the courage to face this fear thankfully there is a clear framework for this most important work for those who are ready and willing.

It is entirely possible to be free of all insecurity by working through all 9 stages below. (Taken from the overcoming insecurity flow chart)

Overcoming insecurity

1. Come out of hiding

2. Letting go of blame and excuse

3. Accepting that all we have is story

4. Having a compelling vision for your life

5. Facing your deepest fear about yourself

6. Inviting a skilful guide into your life to help you be free

7. Rewriting your story

8. Internal rather than external referencing

9. Managing your state.

Let me remind you that the process of overcoming insecurity may not be easy, but neither is it complicated. The way forward is always simple and hard. 

 

 

 

 

Find yourself

The purpose of this group is to help you FIND YOURSELF. That is what we are all here for!

It is my intention to whole heartedly serve you on this journey by facilitating a safe space for you to do the real work of genuine personal development. 

I promise that you will not find yourself 'out there'...No matter how hard you look. You don't find your true self in the opinions, acceptance, or affirmations of those who think they know you. 

You won't find yourself by meeting other people's expectations or following their agenda for your life. 

You won't find yourself by playing by the rules of society and keeping everyone else happy. 

You won't discover who you are by someone else answering the question for you. 

To find who you really are and what you are capable of requires you to look deep inside. 

You must be willing to know yourself. 

This requires you to remove all judgment and to begin the journey of self awareness with compassion and curiosity. 

It requires you to be willing to embark on a journey of discovery and purpose with great courage, passion and determination.

It requires you to confront your deepest fears and venture far from what is safe, known and comfortable. 

It is a journey fraught with danger. There are no guarantees that you will make it out alive. 

The stakes couldn't be higher, yet the rewards always justify the risk. 

Yes it is freaken hard...but this is the hero's journey and YOU are the hero in the story. 

Everyone is waiting and watching for you to find yourself and show up in the world in all your unique beauty and splendour. 

So this week, here I am again encouraging you in every way I know how to stop running and hiding and being held back by doubt and fear. 

Are you willing to face up and say yes to life?

If so, what are you going to do about it?

If not, why not?

 

P.S. If you are not already part of the FIND YOURSELF Facebook group, you can join here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1031442036922497/

After a while your job will suck...It's actually supposed to.

Did you know that after a while your job is supposed to suck?

If you were to stop and ask the first 10 people you came across today to tell you about their job, I'll guarantee you'll hear some painful stories. 

Most people do not love their work. 

More than that, most people experience high levels of stress, frustration and pain around their employment situation. 

The interesting news is that after a while your job is supposed to suck. Pain is guaranteed. In fact, it is actually normal, healthy and to be entirely expected that you will grow to hate your day job.  

 

The gift of pain

Pain is actually a gift designed to protect you from doing major damage to yourself. It is all about keeping you safe, happy and healthy. ( Read more about the gift of pain)

Pain is your most honest voice. It is there to tell you to make change. 

Sooner or later, working for the man is going to create major pain in your life. There is nothing surer. Now, rather than that being a huge problem, it's actually a wonderful thing. The pain is there to let you know that it is time to keep growing. To find your voice and your sweet spot and step beyond the comfort of the system into the realm of the entrepreneur. 

The pain of the job you now hate is telling you to stick it to the man and take control of your life. To create a lifestyle around doing work that you enjoy, and are good at and something that gives you the ability to leave your unique mark on the world. 

If you ignore the pain and tell yourself to suck it up because this is as good as it gets, no one could blame you. Chasing your own dreams is fricken hard. Serving someone elses dream means you never really have to stick your neck out and see what you are capable of. You can't fail if you never fully try. Yet choosing to suppress the pain inevitably starts to cause atrophy of mind, heart and soul. You end up as a mindless consumer, soothing the pain with various ugly self medication strategies. 

(N.B. If you are 17 and not enjoying your job at KFC, don't stick it to the man just yet...There are still plenty of important life lessons about being a responsible adult working as a good employee for you to learn before you are ready to move on.)

The 7 levels of living

One of the most useful frameworks for understanding the path and process of growth as a human being is the Spiral Dynamics model created by Chris Beck and Don Cowen. 

The 7 levels of consciousness we can grow through are:

1. Survival

2. Tribe

3. Rebellion

4. The system

5. Entrepreneur

6. Contribution

7. Statesmanship

If you have made it to level 4 "The system" congratulations are in order.  (Read more about all 7 levels of living) That is a big achievement, but while it was definitely a big deal for you to step up as an adult and land a decent job when you were fresh out of school or uni, if you are still in the same place 20 years later, major problems start arising. 

Everything that is alive is growing. The moment it stops growing, it is now officially dying. 

While each of the 7 levels is essential and healthy in the beginning, the longer you stay there, the more unhealthy it becomes. 

Working as an employee (level 4) is all about making someone else rich, and serving someone else's vision. To do that requires suppressing your own great ideas and just doing what you are told. Again, to submit to leadership represents some high level growth when you are young, (Growing from level 3 rebellion to level 4 system) but now that you have a few of your own grey hairs it is time for you to start leading rather than being a follower for the rest of your life. 

The aim is alway to keep growing. Keep learning about who you are and what you are capable of. Be grateful that your current job is "shitting you to tears." That is a beautiful gift to tell you that there is more for you still out there. Yes stepping out and doing something new is incredibly scary, but surely becoming part of the living dead is far more scary. 

The big lie of the the system 

The system (Level 4)  is lying to you all the time, trying to convince you that you are weaker than you think. It is designed to keep you stuck, paying off your mortgage, keeping up with the jones's, being afraid of everything that could go wrong! The message being poured down your throat day and night is: "Don't dare imagine you could survive out in the real world on your own. You need the comfort and security of having someone else make it work for you"

The big issue is that people buy into the lie that they could never survive. This is fed by the underlying insecurity and limiting beliefs of inadequacy. While they hate their job, they are full of self doubt about whether they are good enough to make it on their own. 

So many people complain about their day jobs, like there was something very unfair or shocking about it being painful. 

Your boss took the risk to stop being an employee and pursue their dreams of doing their own thing. You have been the beneficiary of their entrepreneurial vigour. Where is the complaint? 

Yes serving someone else's vision is not fun. So what did you expect? When you are you going to toughen up and chase your own dreams?

This is why the step in growing from level 4 "System" to level 5 "Entrepreneur" is almost entirely about personal development. You've got to face your fears, get clear about what you really want in life, decide if you have anything of value to offer the world, be prepared to embrace uncertainty and back yourself. It is at this point that you have to face the fear of your own inadequacy and deal with all insecurity or else you will convince yourself that you need to be happy with what you've already got so that you don't end up with nothing. 

 

Do you want to be part of the 5% or the 95%?

How the world works.jpg

The great news is that you are actually stronger than you think. 

You are not perfect, but that's OK, because you are enough. You always have been and always will be. 

Insecurity can be overcome. It is entirely possible to live free for all insecurity and become great at being yourself. There is a clear process and a well worked framework to follow that is guaranteed to work. (Check out the overcoming insecurity flow chart) 

The world is eagerly waiting for you to step up and bring your unique contribution. There is only one of you, and so to show up fully as yourself is good for everyone. 

As Seth Godin says, stop waiting for someone else to pick you or open the right door of opportunity for you. Pick yourself! Open your own doors!

Pain is a gift.

Growth is essential.

Work out how to become great at being yourself so we can all enjoy who you really are.  

 

 

 

 

The gift of pain

Pain is a gift

People who do life well work with themselves not against themselves. This actually requires them to stop and listen to what is going on inside. If you are not accustomed to listening to yourself, the best place to start is with pain. Pain is your most honest voice to yourself.

See pain is a gift. I was reading a story recently about a 5 year old leprosy sufferer who bit the end of her finger and wrote her name on her bedroom wall in blood because she could. The disease attacks the nervous system which means the pain signals stop. If you put your hand on the fire, it is actually supposed to hurt so that you quickly remove your hand before it gets badly burnt.

Yet in today’s world we often treat pain as a bad thing. We mask, medicate and avoid pain wherever possible.

Pain is designed to protect us from further pain

If you ignore it, then there is nothing to stop you destroying your own life.

The main reason people don’t listen to pain is that they think it will require them to change something hard. Deep down the fear is the they are not up to the challenge. They don't have what it takes. They believe that they are somehow inadequate or not good enough and so need to keep running away from their reality. Yet suppressing emotional, mental and physical pain will always cost you more in the long run. 

Pain really is our most honest voice. It is a gift designed to protect us from further pain and tell us that we have incredible value and need to be protected. Pain tells us what is not right and informs us about the things that are unsustainable and emotionally damaging that need changing.

Typically people seem to hate pain. We try to avoid, ignore, mask or run away from it all costs. Most people don’t listen to their pain because the moment we actually hear ourselves loud and clear, it demands we take action and make change. They would prefer not to face their pain and deal with the things that require massive action because it’s easier not to. This response to pain becomes a habit, and soon enough it is simply their way of life.  

Pain doesn’t tell us about the future and what we should do, it simply tells us what is not working now. Not listening to pain is like turning off the warning lights on our dashboard or the light in the lighthouse because it is annoying us. When we do that, there is nothing to prevent the car from running out of oil or the ships sailing onto the rocks. Pain is simply an internal signal about something that is not right physically, emotionally or relationally. The purpose of this signal is to protect us from further pain by alerting us to the things that need changing immediately. 

Learning to listen.

Becoming self-aware can seem strange or difficult if you have never made time to stop and listen to yourself. The great news is, you can learn. If you can’t hear or see what’s going on under the surface it is highly likely that you are attempting to have these conversations with yourself as the critic, the judge or the drill-sergeant. It is likely you imagine that this hard line approach will change your behaviour, when in fact it only reinforces the danger of being vulnerable. Your inner self will resist this approach and put up more walls to hide behind.

Imagine sitting in front of someone you have never met before and asking them to tell you all about what’s really going on in their life. Imagine also that your body language is closed, you are checking Facebook on your phone and you tell them you’ve only got five minutes so they better make it snappy. Do you think that they will readily open the vault and share their deepest feelings with you? I think not!

So what does it take for a stranger to open up? Every day, I talk with people whom I’ve never met before, and within two minutes they feel comfortable enough to tell me things they have never said out loud before. This happens because I carefully create a judgment free space for them and they sense the fact that I am only there to serve them. This makes it safe enough for them to access self-awareness, often for the first time.

It’s no different when you are building a relationship with yourself. It is only as we create a judgment free space and listen to ourselves as the dispassionate observer that it’s safe enough to be open and real. Let go of the judgment and watch how easy it is to see and hear what is really going on inside.

Stop and reflect 

Are you willing to take the time to stop and listen to yourself without judgment?

What is your pain saying to you today?

If you were to treat it as a loving voice, with your best interests at heart, how would you respond?

If you were to believe that you were enough and up to any challenge that life throws your way, how would that affect your willingness to listen to your pain?

How not to be a life coaching muppet

If I see another life coaching video pop up on Facebook or YouTube where someone is trying to sound like the expert but is just saying a whole bunch of nothing, I may lose it…

“Muppet: In Great Britain, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand, the word muppet has come to be used as a mild term of abuse, meaning a stupid, incompetent, or idiotic person, or the obvious interpretation of someone who is inanimated or somehow not there.” Wikipedia:Muppet

The thing about the coaching/personal development industry is that there is ZERO barrier to entry. There are no rules or governing bodies requiring you to jump through hoops or meet certain standards before you are allowed to sell your wares to the world.

This is both an incredible opportunity and an incredible challenge at the same time. It means literally anyone can be a coach. It also means that because anyone can be a coach, you have to work hard at separating yourself from the crowd and proving that you are not another muppet with nothing real of your own to say.

Here are 10 things to think about to help you avoid this problem…

  1. Develop your skill. Just because you did a course one time, doesn’t qualify you to be the world   expert on a subject.
  2. Reference your ideas. If you didn’t make it up, give some love to the person who did.
  3. If you have nothing new, interesting or useful to say…don’t say anything.
  4. Solve problems. See a need in the world and find a way to meet it with a high quality solution. The world needs personal development solutions more than any other kind. Make sure what you are saying is an actual solution to a real problem.
  5. Keep learning. It’s grow or die. Just because you provided a high quality solution once, doesn’t guarantee someone else hasn’t already found a better way to solve that problem. Keep improving and developing your solutions.
  6. Fake it till you make it with integrity. This industry is ALL about backing yourself, you can’t wait for someone else to pick you. You have to start somewhere, and you need to believe you are successful before others will believe it.  Just make sure that when you step up with something to say, that you are all in, not just playing around the edges.
  7. Smoke what you are selling. If your ideas are so good, make sure they are producing incredible results in your own life first before trying to sell them to others.
  8. Find your voice. Don’t copy others. You are unique. You are the only one of you on the planet. Be good at being you. Don’t try to be somebody else.
  9. Authenticity is everything. People want to see and hear the real you. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to have everything figured out to be useful to others. Keep it real.
  10. Add value. Always always always seek to add value to those who are listening to you rather than just flapping your gums and wasting the internet.

The 7 levels of living - Spiral dynamics

First created by Don Beck and Chris Cowen, the descriptions of each level are not seeking to label or define an individual, instead they are a useful framework for understanding where you currently are and where you'd like to be. 

Every level is an important and healthy part of developing as a human, yet the longer you stay there without growing, the more hazardous it becomes. You can't skip levels and you can't move on until you've learnt the lessons of that level. It is possible to be living on one level in a certain area of life and a different level in another area. The description below will help you get an overall feel for where you are at. It will also help you to see if it is time for you to leave the safety of your current level and enlarge your capacity as a human being. 

 

LEVEL 1 - SURVIVAL

Level 1 - Survival

Relationship with money: 

  • I have no idea where my next dollar is coming from.
  • I’m in serious trouble financially.
  • I’m really struggling and living off the bare minimum.

Relationship with work:

  • I’ve been unemployed for a long time.
  • I’m in and out of work all the time.
  • I really struggle to keep any long term job.

Relationship with others:

  • I am lonely and isolated.
  • No one even cares about me or understands what I'm going through. 

Relationship with self: 

  • I feel completely lost.
  • I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing. 
  • My head is a mess

OTHER CHARACTERISTICS

- Crisis, chaos and danger

- In need of immediate assistance

- Cannot survive alone

 

GROWING BEYOND SURVIVAL

You need to find good people who you can trust – fast. A church, community/support group, mens shed, friends and or family. Allow them to help you get back on your feet, but be careful to become so dependent that you stay there forever. 

LEVEL 2 - TRIBE

Relationship with money: 

  • Almost all my money needs are taken care of by my family or friends.
  • The people in my world look after me.
  • I can share or borrow from others if I'm in need. 

Relationship with work: 

  • I do basic work that only requires me to follow a clear set of instructions.
  • I’ve always worked in the family business or done the jobs others want me to do.

Relationship with others: 

  • My decisions are based on what others tell me to do or what they think is best for me.
  • There are strong people in my world who control my life and there is a clear set of rules that govern most of my daily decisions.
  • I feel very connected to a close knit community. We share almost everything in common.

Relationship with self: 

  • For the most part I'm happy to go with the flow.
  • I'm not really sure what I want or who I am apart from the tribe I live with.
  • I rarely stop and ask many questions, if it works for others who I trust, that's good enough for me. 

OTHER CHARACTERISTICS

- Emphasis on shared culture, traditions and beliefs

- Easy to blend in

- Safety in numbers

- There are a lot of things you do simply because they are time honoured traditions

-People like things the way they've always been. If it ain't broke...don't fix it

THE TRIBE

Being part of the tribe is a very happy and safe season of life. In fact when it is all working well, it is hard to imagine how life could ever improve. The challenge of living on this level is that you are not rewarded for your individuality or independent thought. It is not the place for questioning what or why. Inevitably, you will run into trouble when you have thoughts or ideas that are not in line with how the tribe operates. If you pursue them, it will take you in to level 3 rebellion. If you squash them in order to keep the peace, you remain very small and immature in life.  

 

 

 

GROWING BEYOND THE TRIBE

If you want to keep growing as a person, eventually you will need to step away from the tribe and work out how to make your own decisions. This could be one of the hardest steps you’ll ever take, and you may be persecuted and ostracised, but take heart because everyone who has achieved anything in life has walked this same road before you. Take some risks, be prepared to speak up and step out. Just like the baby bird learning to fly, at some point you've got to leave the comfort and safety of the nest otherwise your wings will never work. 

LEVEL 3 - REBELLION

Relationship with money: 

  • I don't need money to do what I want to do. 
  • I won't be controlled by it. 
  • Money is an evil part of the system. 
  • It would be great if we didn't need money at all.

Relationship with work: 

  •  I avoid working for the man wherever possible. 
  • Sometimes it is a necessary evil to put food on the table. 
  • I'm happiest doing work that I can do on my own with little direct supervision. 

Relationship with others: 

  • I don't trust others and prefer to be as independent and self sufficient as possible.
  • Most people are controlled by the corrupt system run by rich greedy politicians and multinational companies.
  • I have a small group of friends who understand me and are at a similar stage in life. 

Relationship with self: 

  • I battle many demons.
  • There is a large amount of pain inside I have no idea what to do with.
  • I suppress my emotions through self medication and substance abuse.
  • I'm angry and depressed a lot of the time.
  • On my best day I feel carefree and full of adventure. On my worst day I feel completely lost and hopeless. 

OTHER CHARACTERISTICS

- Emphasis on independence

- Standing against something you don't like

- Pushing the boundaries and testing the limits of what you can get away with

- Experimentation 

- Casting off all rules

REBELLION

Rebellion is a vital stage of human development that allows us to move from dependence to independence on our journey toward maturity. It also helps us overcome the fear of what others think about us or needing others permission to do what we want to do.  It helps us to explore what we believe is right or wrong, good or bad for ourselves rather than being told what to do. 

The challenge is that it is very unsustainable to remain here for long. The rebel thinks that they will change the world, but instead they just make mess. The rebel who stays independent too long becomes paranoid, bitter and isolated. Their growth into adulthood is stunted and their passions and talents are made redundant. It turns out that we function best as part of communities and teams. 

 

GROWING BEYOND REBELLION

If you want to grow as a human, it’s time to suck it up, build bridges back to the real world, restore relationships, apologise, settle down, stop fighting and deal with the anger. Most people are good and can be trusted. It is time to find people you can work along side and learn to trust. To progress to the next level you will need to learn how to humble yourself and be a student of those who have gone before you.  

LEVEL 4 - SURVIVAL

Relationship with money:  

  • I work for a pay check. I can earn a bonus if I do really well. 
  • I have a clear savings and retirement plan.
  • Even though I’m in debt to my eyeballs, if I work hard for the next 20-30 years I’ll be able to have enough so that I can retire comfortably.

Relationship with work: 

  •  I work hard 9-5 every day serving someone else's vision. 
  • My hard work makes someone else rich. 
  • I'm good at what I do, but my job doesn't require the best of me. 
  • There are opportunities to grow within the company and climb the ladder, but only to a point.
  • I have to go to work each day to afford the lifestyle I'm signed up to.

Relationship with others:

  • I fit in well and play my role as a responsible adult.
  • There is a fair measure of obligation that drives my daily decisions, but that's just life. 

Relationship with self:

  •  On my best day I feel that I'm making progress towards my financial or retirement goals,  and ticking all the right boxes, yet on my worst day I feel like I've sold my soul to the system and I'm a caged animal slowly dying.
  • The longer I stay here the more unhappy I become.
  • It is better not to ask too many questions or explore the hidden areas of pain. Just suck it up and get on with life. It's not like I've really got any other choice. 

OTHER CHARACTERISTICS

- Emphasis on comfort and security

- Willingness to play by the rules to get ahead. 

- Compromise, juggling, balance, sacrifice

- Rules, taxes, responsibility, work, savings, retirement plan 

- You don't love it but it's just the way life works

- In exchange for giving up individuality and control, you get comfort and safety

THE SYSTEM

While it is crucial and healthy to live in level 4 for a season, the aim is to learn the lessons so that you are able to continue growing as a person. Entering level 4 in your early twenties is quite an achievement, yet if you are still here at 40, it is likely that you are now stuck in the system. It may have been a big step for you to land your current job, relationship, etc, but that was 15 years ago.  Now, you often feel stale and stagnant. The dream inside you is dying. If you stay here too long it will kill you. In fact, the only way you can stay on level 4 long term is by lying to yourself. - which ultimately leads to trauma.    Here are 15 checks to see if your lying to yourself.

 

GROWING BEYOND THE SYSTEM

If you know that you've been living on level 4 too long and now it is killing you, it's time to face up to your deepest fear. 

The biggest thing holding you in the level of the system is the lie that you are weaker than you think. You need to face that fear. Who are you? Are you enough? Do you have what it takes to go out on your own, not as a rebel, but as a person following their dream, passion and heart's desire.

To grow beyond the safety of level 4 into the relative unknown of level 5, really requires a significant shift in your personal development journey. The level 5 entrepreneurial journey is all about bringing your uniqueness to the market place. For that to happen successfully you need to find yourself. From there, the key is to develop confidence and skills side by side so that you are able to create something valuable and back yourself to deliver it well.  

If you desire to make a meaningful contribution in life, you must continue to grow through level 5 and onto level 6. Otherwise you will always be limited by small mindedness and a lack of resources. 

Level 5 directly confronts both of these limitations. 

LEVEL 5 - ENTREPRENEUR 

Relationship with money:

  • I've moved beyond simply exchanging time for money
  • My money works for me. I’ve created passive income streams that continue to generate money for me even while I’m asleep. 
  • Now I can make my money work for me and there is no limit to what I can earn. 

Relationship with work: 

  • I'm my own boss. I've created my own job. 
  • I can operate as a freelancer or consultant on my own terms
  • I employ others to make my business succeed and outsource tasks that are not good use of my time

Relationship with others:

  •  I see others as either useful to help me achieve my goals or standing in my way. The path of an entrepreneur can also be incredibly lonely and isolated. 

Relationship with self: 

  • For the most part I see myself as happy and successful, yet I'm driven to prove that I can make this work and to make myself feel even better by having and doing more! I'm willing to take 100% responsibility for my life and my results. I know if I don't make it happen, no one else is going to do it for me. 
  • On my best day I feel like I am invincible and there are no limits on what I'm capable of. On my worst day I am wracked with self doubt, limiting beliefs about whether I've got what it takes to make this thing work. 

OTHER CHARACTERISTICS

- Emphasis on innovation, creativity and pioneering

- Confidence, back yourself, chase the dream

- Finding your voice, speaking your message, discovering your gift

- Abundance, opportunity, possibility

- Bending the rules to suit

- Finding freedom to pursue your passion  

- Stress, anxiety, pressure

ENTREPRENEUR 

 

You’ve done the hard work of stepping out on your own, but there is still plenty to prove and plenty to defend. If you stay in this level too long you will start holding people back beneath you. There are many level 5 entrepreneurs who are solely focused on building profit and status and will stop at nothing to achieve this. Employees become commodities and everything becomes intensely personal. Those who don't grow beyond level 5 can become greedy, selfish, proud, lonely, and controlling. They are hard to get along with and life is all about them. 

GROWING BEYOND LEVEL 5

To transition from level 5 into level 6 will require you to confront and overcome the ego. The key to go beyond this level is to shift the focus from building your own empire to genuinely serving others. The process of breaking the attachment between your personal significance and your own business is essential to grow to the level of contribution. It is some of the most confronting and deep personal development work a person can do. Not many people grow beyond level 5 because of how difficult this transition is, yet when a person has overcome their ego, the contribution they are then able to make is truly extraordinary. 

LEVEL 6 - CONTRIBUTION

Relationship with money:

  • I have far more money than I require for my own needs. I can do whatever I want and not put myself in financial trouble.
  • My money is directed towards philanthropic work solving the worlds biggest problems of inequality and injustice. 

Relationship with work: 

  • I work purely for enjoyment and to serve as many people as possible
  • I'm very selective about what new projects I agree to. 

Relationship with others:

  •  I see myself as part of the global village. My aim is not to gain status or fame for myself, but to give back and add value to others. 

Relationship with self: 

  • My whole life has been about becoming the best version of myself. I  am still 100% committed to this journey of self discovery. Even though there is still plenty more growth to come, I'm incredibly comfortable in my own skin and almost everything I do is aligned with my highest values and purpose. 

OTHER CHARACTERISTICS

- Emphasis on the global community 

- Giving back, making a difference on as big a scale as possible. 

- High level of self mastery

 

GROWING BEYOND LEVEL 6. 

The key learning to move beyond this level of living is about stepping up into ultimate purpose and capacity, discovering that your greatest ability to serve others lies in giving extraordinary leadership.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LEVEL 7 - STATESMANSHIP 

Those who make it to this level have transcended level 6 by making such a significant contribution. Examples may be: Mother Theresa, Oprah, Bono or Nelson Mandela. The focus now turns to leadership and modelling a way that inspires millions of people to live differently.

Letting go of blame and excuse

Letting go of blame and excuse

 

The two things blow my hair back most in life are:

 a) How extraordinarily powerful people are. There are almost no limits to what we are capable of.

b) How much power most people give away and live as disempowered victims. I’m genuinely astounded at peoples capacity to just get by and survive, constantly complaining yet continuing to do the same old stuff they hate every single day!

 

The reason people give away their power is because often it’s easier to live without it. As Spiderman says “With great power comes great responsibility”

Often people simply opt for the safe approach to life. If they give away their power then nothing is their responsibility and nor is anything their fault.

Yet then all they are left with is blame and excuse!

 

Blame is fun

 

Blaming someone or something for your current results is so natural, easy and even a little bit enjoyable (if we're going to be really honest)

I mean it just makes so much sense to be angry at injustice and all the unfair, unfortunate, wrong, bad, mean, sad, rude things that have happened to you.

If only this hadn't happened...If only they hadn't done that...If only you hadn't been treated like that…If only...

You are totally within your rights to play the blame and excuse card again and again, because what happened to you is wrong and it is unfair and it shouldn't have happened and you did deserve better.

The only problem with blame is it leaves you powerless to change anything.

You become a disempowered victim waiting on the world to change.

 

Getting better results 

 

The only way to get better results in your life is to take responsibility for them. Success in any area starts when we realise that your results are exactly that…your results. Letting go of blame and excuse and taking hold of 100% responsibility and choice is the only way to turn things around and improve the quality of your life.

 

Let go of the payoff

 

In order to take your power back, you have to be willing to let go of the payoff you got for giving it away in the first place.

Lot’s of people feel incredibly disempowered in life and that they have had their power taken away from them.

Yet interestingly personal power can never be stolen, it is only ever given away.  The only reason we would give it away is if we get something valuable in return.

This thought is incredibly confronting I know, but also incredibly liberating at the same time, because it means we are not victims. We are exactly where we have chosen to be. Which means we could also make different choices.

The main pay off for giving away your power is that blame and excuse is far easier than embracing responsibility and choice. We get to play the victim and take the moral high ground. We get to point the finger and compare ourselves to those treating us poorly.

 

Take your power back

 

You can take your power back as long as you are willing to let go of the pay off you got for giving it away in the first place. It is so easy to believe that our life is affected and limited by all the things others do, and that we are victims of our environment, yet as Victor Frankyl declared to his Nazi captors from a German concentration camp – “You can take every single thing away from me, but you can NEVER take from me my ability to choose how I respond to you!”

When you take power back, then you also have to take 100% responsibility for your own results and your relationships, which is really hard!

The moment you are ready to do that you can step out of the victim mode of living and exercise personal power in your life again.

 

Tough questions:

 

Who or what are you blaming right now?

What excuse cards are you playing?

How's that working out for you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

How does change happen?

When each of these 3 things are present, you cannot not change...

1.NEW AWARENESS. 

If you can't see it, how can you possibly change it? All change begins with seeing things with new eyes.- A light bulb moment,- A new perspective- A great question that unlocks a whole new level of learning- An understanding of WHY you are doing what you are doing. 
The proverb says "Seek understanding like silver and search for it like precious jewels..."Be prepared to ask, seek, doubt, let go of being attached to a certain way of thinking and living.

2. MORE CHOICE. 

We are all trying to bring peace and comfort to ourselves the best way we know how. If we had a better way, of course we would use it. More choice comes every time we listen to wisdom and learn a better way. It flows out of the experience of gaining new and deeper awareness. It comes from realising that being stuck with limited choice is simply an illusion, and that we each have 100% choice about the things that matter most in our lives. 
Never stop learning. Embrace 100% choice. Be willing to let go of the old way every time you find a better way.

3. ALTERED BELIEFS. 

Behaviour comes out of belief. It never lies. It proves what you really believe to be true, or important. Therefore if you're new awareness leading to increased choice, alters what you believe is true, what is right or what is best, then your behaviour is automatically changed as well. 
Dr Ian Snape taught me that all beliefs exist on a probability scale from 0 - 1. 0 is 100% not true and 1 is 100% absolutely true. Now seeing that we never have access to that level of certainty, we are left to live in the grey in-between. Based on our understanding, learning and experiences, things are either highly likely to be true, highly unlikely, or somewhere in the middle. 
Every time we have experiences of increased awareness and more choice, our beliefs slide up and down the scale. They are highly mobile - Not immovable forces. I'm sure at one time in your life you believed that the existence of Santa was highly likely, but that belief has probably slid down the scale to now be highly unlikely. As a result of this, your thoughts feeling and behaviour around christmas time automatically change too. 
So embracing new awareness and more choice, leads to altered beliefs. 
Changed beliefs = changed behaviour. 


If you are trying to cause change to happen in your life and your awareness hasn't increased, you don't have more choice and your beliefs haven't altered - then that is the very definition of pushing shit uphill. 
Good luck with that...

How not to be an insecure wanker in 3 easy steps.

How not to be an insecure wanker 

 

 

1. Stop pretending you are not insecure.

 

It’s OK… Everyone has insecurities. It is the human condition. Untreated though, it always leads to madness. Good people consistently hurting themselves and others through decisions made out of neediness and defensiveness.

At the moment, the fear of being found out as somehow inadequate is hampering your decision making process and causing you to behave like a wanker. It’s ok, we all know you’re not really a wanker, but your insecurities are causing you to behave like one.

 

2. Make a decision to face up to life and own your fear.

 

If you don’t deal with your insecurities they will consume you. Look around. See what happens for yourself. Tell me it’s not true. Friends and family, operating out of their insecurity are constant reminders of what happens if you don’t deal with your shit. Messy, ugly, painful stuff. Go into a room full of mirrors and have a good hard look at yourself. Is this really who you want to be? Sure there is pain involved with change, but there is also great pain involved in staying the same.

 

3. Invite someone into your world to guide you through the process of lasting change.

 

 It is highly unlikely you will be able to overcome this on your own. One of the most important ingredients you need in order to stop being an insecure wanker is objectivity. While this fear feels so all-consuming and powerful, your insecurity is actually based entirely on a work of fiction. At some point in the history of being you, something has gone down in your world and you’ve decided that it meant that in someway you were not enough. This has become the story you’ve lived out of for the rest of your life. It feels so true and real simply because you’re brain’s job is to gather evidence for whatever you believe is true. Everything else get’s filtered out.

The cool thing is that it’s just a story. It’s not actually who you are, yet you’ll need someone in your world who can give you the gift of doubt to help you deconstruct this story so you can see through it.

You’ve actually always been enough and always will be.

 

 

The top 3 personal development tools

THE TOP 3 PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT TOOLS

I'm always asked for the quickest way to change your life or the hacks or shortcuts to get more of what you want. 

Einstein says, makes things as simple as possible but no simpler. 

So, here are the three most important personal development tips. 

1. KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.

Without a doubt, this is the leverage for all internal growth and change. The moment you lose sight of what you want or stop asking yourself this question, it all gets way too hard very quickly. And unless you have a very compelling bunch of dreams, goals and desires driving you, you will take the safe and easy option at every turn. 

People who constantly develop themselves to be at their best in the areas of life that matter most to them, are ALWAYS crystal clear about the outcome they are working towards. They know what they want, why they want it and what it will cost them to achieve it. 

While the "What do you want?" question is probably the most dangerous question there is, it is also the most important. It is impossible to reach your potential as a person without constantly entertaining this question. 

 

2. LET GO OF SELF JUDGMENT.

Self judgment is by far the heaviest and most counter productive thing we carry with us in life. To be willing to let go if it therefore is an incredible game changer. 

You can’t do self awareness and self judgment at the same time. It completely works against personal development work by keeping you in the dark about what is going on beneath the surface in your life. 

Interestingly, the positive intention of self judgment is actually self love. 

Follow this one through...

We judge ourselves as a pre-emptive strike to protect ourselves from the judgment of others. If you beat yourself down first, then others can't hurt you.  

So self judgement therefore, is all about self protection. 

We only protect that which we value. The more protection, the more the value. 

So self protection is in essence about self love. 

The highest positive intention of self jugement is always self love. That being true, there has to be better ways of loving yourself then beating yourself down all the time. 

People who've made this discovery and let go of judgment in their life are then free to see that there is no right or wrong, good or bad - Just stuff that works and that which doesn't. Letting go of self judgment allows you to adapt, change and correct your course quickly without fuss. 

Letting go of self judgment also allows you to separate behaviour from intention which is absolutely essential in the process of lasting change. Understanding the intention behind your behaviour means you are able to change that behaviour by meeting the intention more resourcefully or in a way that is more in line with your values. 

3. ACCEPT THAT ALL WE HAVE IS STORY. 

We are sense making creatures who go into the world and tell stories about our experiences. We don't see reality, just our perception of reality.

From this point of acceptance people are then able to gain awareness about the specific story they are living out of and where/when it originated. The late Stephen Covey taught us that EVERYTHING is created twice. Your current results are merely the bi-product of the script you've been living out of. They have already been created in the unseen world either by design or default, and then the real world results are simply the physical manifestation of what has already been created. 

Having clarity on the fact that it is all story and then being aware of the exact story you are living out of, means you are not a victim. You are exactly where you have chosen to be, therefore you could choose to be somewhere different. You get to chose the story you are living out of. People who succeed in life do so largely out of the story's they tell. They understand they are just stories, and the moment they stop working for them, they pick a better story. 

 

Do these 3 things even semi-consistently, and your life will never be same again. 

 

15 ways to tell if you are acting out of insecurity.

15 ways to tell if you are acting out of insecurity

I get it…No one wants to be called insecure. Yet if insecurity goes unaddressed in your life it will end up ruining you. Coaching always begins with honesty about where you are now, without any judgment. There is no right or wrong, good or bad…just what is.

Until you come out of hiding and own your current reality, it is impossible to get to where you want to be.

 

Here are 15 clear signs to tell if you are acting out of insecurity.  

I’ll warn you now…This list isn’t pretty, but we each have to face these things at some stage, as the fear of not being enough is a universal challenge to overcome. 

Take a deep breath and be as honest with yourself as possible. See which of these things show up in your life.

 

Everything feels personal.

Every event, conversation and experience is interpreted through the fear of not being enough.  You are always edgy about what is going on around you because everything touches you personally.

You are unhealthy and overweight.

Carrying extra weight is almost always a hide out. You don’t like the way you look which adds to your insecurity, but at least people don’t expect you to be awesome, so you can’t really disappoint them and you don’t have to put yourself out there.

Arrogance/pride/ego/narcissism.

You always need to be the center of attention and constantly seek approval and validation from your world to make you feel better about yourself. This proves a lack of internal self esteem.

Selfishness.

The most insecure people are always the most selfish as well. If you don’t get taken care of by others, then you fear you will go without. You have to make sure your needs are always met by those around you.

You are always defensive.

You feel you have to protect your image, and make sure you are always seen in the best light. You can’t afford anyone to see through the game playing and façade you are holding up.

You never back down and find it very difficult to apologise.

You have no reverse gear. Once you are engaged in something, even if you are wrong, you can’t back down and admit your mistake. The underlying logic is: if you’ve done something wrong or bad, then you must be bad…That is too painful, so you need to defend you position instead, no matter what.

Jealousy eats at you.

You are always comparing yourself with what everyone else is doing and having and looking over the fence feeling that others have it better than you.

You put others down through gossip and slander.

By highlighting others weaknesses you get to elevate yourself above them.

You are fantastic at holding a grudge.

A great way of proving you are better than others is by never allowing them to forget their mistakes.

You overreact.

Because everything is personal, tiny issues become life and death issues. Things escalate quickly and you get angry and frustrated over trivial things that aren’t that big a deal in the scheme of things.

There is a high level of blame and excuse in your life.

You constantly externalise your issues so you avoid having to take responsibility. Nothing is your fault or your responsibility. You deeply fear being found out as inadequate or not enough, so you constantly deflect the attention by pointing the finger at others.

You are often angry and frustrated at others.

Frustration with others is actually about your deep frustration with yourself. It’s just easier to point out others stupidity than deal with your own flaws and mistakes.

You have to have the last word.

You feel the need prove your worth to the world by always being right and in control.

You always remain in you strength.

Vulnerability is terrifying.  You find ways to play the game in a way that means you never lose. You never do things that you are not good at where others may perceive you as weak or inadequate.

You always have something to prove.

You can never relax or rest. You are constantly promoting yourself and are driven to prove your worth to the world by what you can achieve and accomplish. You sometime lie or embellish the truth to make yourself look better.

  

As painful as it may be to admit to insecurity, it is entirely possible to overcome this fear and live with a beautiful sense of personal security and the genuine belief that you are entirely enough! 

For a clear framework that will help you overcome all insecurity, check out www.jaeminfrazer.com

 

25 painful things that happen when you stop being crystal clear about what you really want.

When you stop being clear about what you want:

1. You inevitably end up serving other peoples agenda for your life.
2. By ignoring and suppressing deep desire, you diminish your humanity.
3. You settle and survive. Life becomes something to endure.
4. You lower your expectations of what is possible.
5. You irradiate disappointment from your life which means you also eliminate joy.
6. You live a small life.
7. You'll die with the music still inside you.
8. You use ugly terms like "It is what it is..." and "You've gotta do what you've gotta do..." 
9. You have to work hard convincing yourself you are happy.
10. You become an entitled consumer and get very upset when others make decisions that threaten your privileges and comforts.
11. Life becomes all about comfort. 
12. You suppress the best of you which causes internal death, decay and atrophy. 
13. You end up making all decisions on the fear of what you could lose and what could go wrong.
14. You become boring.
15. You stop adding something unique and valuable to the world.
16. One day rolls into the next. Life loses it's colour and taste. 
17. Blame and excuse are your constant companions.
18. You forget what you are really capable of.
19. Anything that threatens your comfort zone creates significant anxiety.
20. You convince yourself that you are a victim of your circumstances. 
21. You constantly compare yourself to others who seem to have been given a better or easier life than you. "If only I had what they have, life would be so different"
22. You develop a range of bad habits and self-medication strategies that give you a temporary escape from the shit life you've created for yourself. 
23. Time goes incredibly slow and fast simultaneously. Each day drags on. You are always looking at the clock, but then each year is the same as the last one. Life becomes a blur. You say things like "I can't believe it's the end of the year already" I'm sure time is speeding up...Where has the time gone...10 years ago seems like yesterday...
24. You fantasise about winning lotto or getting lucky on the pokies as the solution to all your problems. 
25. You find the 6pm news scary and terrible, yet you are addicted to seeing the world as a dangerous place.

If you want to help people to change you’ve gotta stop wanting them to change.

HOW TO HELP PEOPLE CHANGE

 

We all want our friends and family to be happy and make great choices. It’s a natural desire we have towards those we love and care about. Yet interestingly, all the wanting in the world doesn’t actually produce any real change. In fact, wanting someone to change, grow or make healthy choices may be the least effective way of positively influencing them to change.

Think about the conversations you’ve had with the people you care about particularly when you feel the need to give them advice.  I’m sure you feel like the advice will be useful and is coming from the right motivation. Yet the receiver can’t help but feel that the suggestion is not really about them at all, but about what you want—and to be honest...it is. We want, or even need others to do and be certain things to make ourselves feel better about our own lives. Unfortunately, when we communicate this wanting to those we love, it is experienced as a judgment. It’s received as an imposition of our views, expectations, rules and map of reality onto the other person, and that never goes well. It invariably produces inner resentment and resistance.

Stop wanting them to change

Wanting someone to do something, even for all the ‘right’ reasons, only produces expectation, obligation, pressure and judgment. This external and temporary form of motivation does not hang around once you leave the room. Lasting motivation, by contrast, is always internally driven.

 

The initial development of my coaching toolset came through working with the long term unemployed. I can still vividly remember being assigned a client who had been labeled as a complete no hoper by the employment agency he was signed up with. The case worker told me that he had been on their books for 3 year, in and out of every program they’d ever run and had absolutely zero desire to change. He spent most of his time sitting in a dark room playing computer games, and his parents bank rolled him, so he was under no financial pressure. The case-worker wished me luck as we walked into our first meeting.

I decided to go out on a limb to see what I could discover beneath the surface.

“G’day mate, just wondering, are you a piece of shit?”

“What did you just call me?”

“I said are you a piece of shit?”

Standing up and walking towards me, “How dare you talk to me like that!”

“Oh cool…so you’re not then?”

“No I’m not a piece of shit!!”

“Fantastic…I didn’t think so. These guys just told me that you were a no hopper and had zero desire for change. I didn’t believe them for a second, but I had to find our for sure for myself.”

 

It was a high-risk strategy, but I had him. He could no longer play the ‘I’m no one and I want nothing’ card. He just told me that he wasn’t a piece of shit. This meant that deep down he was not happy wasting his life. He was just afraid of failure, disappointment and rejection. This fear was paralyzing him from doing anything meaningful with his life.

He had heaps of people in his world telling him that he needed to change and get work. They tried everything to motivate him, yet it wasn’t until he could see that I wasn’t another person who was trying to get him to do something he didn’t want to do that he opened up about what was really going on in his life. My whole approach was to dig into what HE wanted. – Then to serve him by giving the tools he needed to fulfill these desires.   

People are inherently good. They are doing the best they know how. Every negative behaviour has a positive intention. It is always an attempt to bring peace and comfort to themselves.

People want to be happy.

People want to be loved.

People want life to work out for them.

People want to make a positive contribution to the world.

It’s all inside them.

Tap into this, and you’ll discover a deep and unending source of internal motivation.

Having people wanting things for us or from us is unavoidable, which is why having access to a space that is totally judgment free is so useful.

To be useful to someone you cannot be yet another person in their life who wants them to do something they don’t want to do.

Find out exactly what it is that they deeply desire and then serve them by helping them to achieve these goals.

The judgment free space

When I’m coaching people, my first job is to create a truly judgment free space with zero wanting.

I push this as hard as possible by telling people that I will not lose sleep over them. I will not be moved by their sad stories and when we are done I will forget all about them and their problems. It is not my life and I am not the one with the problem.

As a person who genuinely does care about others, it’s not that I actually don’t care about your issues or outcomes, but all my caring does absolutely nothing to bring about change. I actually have no ability to get a different result for them. Their results are totally up to them and it is essential that they know, see and own this.

In the judgment free space you get to have incredibly real conversations, saying and hearing things that you certainly wouldn’t get away with in any other space. When you really experience the freedom of no judgment, you are able to come out of hiding and be totally vulnerable without fear of being hurt. The cool thing about this is that when all the self-protection barriers come down, change takes place almost immediately. Until we’re willing to accept where we currently are in life and become present to that reality, it is impossible to move to a desired reality. So often we hide behind a false reality for fear of being found out and judged.

It is impossible to help others change without creating a truly judgment free space. Wanting them to change is the least useful you could possibly be.

How to finish the year well. The questions I ask myself every December.

HOW TO END THE YEAR WELL

Up until 5 years ago, by this time every year I was exhausted, flat and empty. A timely coaching conversation with my then business partner Dr Robert Holmes turned this pattern on it's head and gave me a way to guarantee I finished the year well. 

Here is the framework I now use every December to make sure I finish the year with plenty of wind in my sails. 

FINISHING WELL FRAMEWORK

December questions.

1. Honesty  - Time to face up to reality. No delusion, game playing or pretence.  

·     What is the state of play in my health, finances, relationships, work/business? 

·     What am I tolerating or complaining about that is not how I’d like it to be?

·     Where have I over promised and under delivered?

·     What pain am I ignoring?

·     Where am I now in relation to where I’d hoped to be at the start of this year?

·     What’s going well?

·     What progress have I made?

·     What have been the key lessons I’ve learnt this year?

2. Resolution – Sorting out unresolved issues.

·     What is my pain telling me I need to sort out/change/address?

·     What issues are still unresolved in my life? 

·     What are these unresolved issues really costing me?

·     Is there any unresolved conflict?

·     Are there any painful conversations I’ve been avoiding?

·     Are there any unfinished projects?

·     Have I made any promises that are unfulfilled?

·     Do I have borrowed items from friends and family that need returning?

·     Are there any bills outstanding?

3. Alignment - Course corrections

·     What is success and happiness to me? 

·     What are my big goals – Health, finances, relationships work/business etc?

·     What would excite me in these areas?

·     What is my believable plan to achieve them?

·     What course corrections are necessary to align me to the kind of person I want to be to achieve the results I’m looking for?

·     What 3 characteristics describe who I am being on my best day?

·     What are my top priorities for December?

·     How will I reward myself for finishing the year well?

5 surprising and refreshing ideas to help you deal with self doubt

Self doubt can be one of the most powerful and painful obstacle to success.

Here are 5 key thoughts about how to deal with it effectively.

1. Accept that self doubt is natural and healthy. The only people who have no self doubt are those who have already given up on themselves and life. These people have opted for the relative safety of bunkering down into their comfort zones. They refuse to venture into anything new, different or risky.

If you are experiencing any self doubt, it proves you are having a go and that you are pushing the edges of what is safe, known an comfortable. If you want zero self doubt go sit on the couch and do nothing with your life instead.

2. Have a conversation with your self doubt without judgment. Before you begin, clear all tension from your body by going for a walk, meditating or practicing some deep breathing exercises. Be present for yourself. Listen to your fears and understand your concerns. Heed the warnings and wisdom from your subconscious rather than being reckless or careless.

Self doubt is your voice of reason making sure you’ve thought through your game plan thoroughly. Doubt is a gift. It allows you to stop and ask questions to make sure you’ve found the best way forward. It is fine to negotiate with self doubt once you’ve listened. It doesn’t have to stop you.

Here’s an example of how this conversation might play out.

Self doubt: “I think you’re being unrealistic about this crazy idea”

You: “Yeah you’re probably right…I’ll settle down a bit and spend more time getting this right…Thanks”

Or

You: “Na, I reckon it’s going to be Ok. I hear what you are saying, but I’m comfortable to take a risk on this one. There is no failure only feedback”

3. Don’t take things so personally and stop taking yourself so seriously. The future of the planet is not dependant on you. Yes, you are special and unique, but the world will keep turning without you. It is not all about you. You are a merely a channel of abundance. 95% of the things you are worried about are not true and will never happen. Most people like you and are cheering you on. Give yourself more room for playfulness, curiosity and adventure. If you are always under massive pressure to get everything right all the time, doubt and fear will cripple you.

4. When in a place of doubt work from the known to the unknown. Come back to the things that you know are true (to the best of your understanding) and then move into solving questions about the things you don’t know. When self doubt takes over, it can feel like everything is uncertain in your life. Yet, this is actually never true. Reminding yourself of what you do know helps you be more relaxed about what you don’t know.

5. We crave certainty in an incredibly uncertain world. Ultimately the only way to find real certainty is to embrace uncertainty and back yourself. Continuing to affirm that you are a clever, creative and resourceful individual, who has all they need to succeed already, is a crucial part of building this internal sense of certainty. Self doubt has far less room to crowd your mind when you are operating from a place of internal certainty. 

What to do when things are hard

Challenges, struggles and hard times are a natural part of life. Chances are that if things aren’t hard for you in some area of your life right now, hard times are just around the corner. (Sorry to burst your bubble if everything is great!)

 

This being the case, it is very important to know how to handle the hard times. Anyone can be happy when things are easy, but it’s what happens in the hard times that really define a person’s life.

 

Here are 5 key ideas to help you move from strength to strength even when things are hard.

 

 

1. Make sure you don’t actually NEED things to be hard to feel good about yourself.  Imagine if you were attracting or even creating extra challenges in your life just so that you could fulfil your need to feel significant!

 

In order to sleep at night, we must square away with ourselves that we’re a decent human being. In the absence of high quality strategies to do this, we resort to whatever works. One of the most common strategies is to validate yourself by what you do. The more you do, the better human you must be. It becomes common for people to demonstrate how awesome they are by how many hard things they can cope with at once. If you’ve got nothing to show for yourself how can you prove your value?

 

The last thing you need is to be creating and attracting more hard situations as your only means of self validation.

Detach your identity from what you do. Cut off all external means of significance and replace them with internal ones. Take 100% ownership of your own value and worth.  Your significance is not defined by what you do or have or what others think of you.

 

 

2. Embrace the struggle without giving away your power. (Assuming it is not self inflicted!) The only way out is through. Every time you run and hide, you undermine your own self esteem. Avoiding hard things only teaches yourself that you don’t have what it takes to deal with life and that you need to keep running. It eventually erodes all self confidence and leads you to believe you are not enough.

Echart Tolle says, when you complain about the situation you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it. All else is madness.

 

 

3. Return to your key decision making frameworks. What are your foundational principles of happiness and success? What are your key values and non-negotiables? When everything else is uncertain these are the bedrock from which you build a life of substance.

Having key decisions that you have already made mean that when everything seems up in the air and uncertain, there are key guidelines in place to stop you having to go all the way back to the start and reinvent your life.

For example here are a few of mine:

- No matter what, I will smoke what I’m selling. Authenticity is king.

- If I’m not clear about what I want in life, the only other option is to do what others want for me (and that isn’t an option.)

- I am exactly where I have chosen to be. I will embrace 100% responsibility and choice at all times.

- I will not die wondering. The only way to find out what is possible is to go all in.

- It is possible to fail at what I don’t want, so I may as well have a go at doing what I love.

- I will align myself with whatever is loving, kind, beautiful, creative and abundant in the world.

- All we have in life is story. The people who succeed just tell themselves better stories.

 - I can’t do fake and I don’t play games. If I don’t believe in it, I’m out.

- Lifestyle comes first. I will not sacrifice quality of life just to earn more money.

- Go where the life is.

 

If you are not clear on your own set of guiding principles, this could be the most important place to start.

 

 

4. Factor in failure to your expectations. A useful Buddhist philosophy is that we suffer because we expect things to be other than they are. For example if you agree to run 5kms with a friend but you get lost causing you to end up running 10kms, you’ll suffer. But if you always expected to run 10kms, your mind is prepared for the pain and even though it may be hard, you don’t suffer. If you expect to succeed easily and quickly at everything you attempt, I guarantee you will encounter much pain and suffering. Regular failure is a crucial part of every truly successful person’s life. Be ok to fail fast and often. It is in failure that we learn and grow far more than any success. It is crucial to frame your expectations so that hard is necessary and OK.  

The aim of the game is not to get to a place where there are no problems, but to be the kind of person who can overcome your current problems so that you earn higher quality ones.

In some seasons hard is exactly what you need. It is the place of character building, soul searching and foundation strengthening.  Everyone can do easy, it’s what happens in the hard times that separates those who will thrive in life from those who will end up just surviving.

 

 

5. Be very clear about what you want in life. Focusing on this will cause much pain and tension in life, but it is also the source of all joy. The moment you lose sight of what you really want, the current challenges you are experiencing all become way too hard. You lose the reason to persist.

Setting well formed outcomes and refining them regularly is the leverage for all lasting change work.

Necessity is the mother of all invention. When you are clear about what you desire and why it is so important to you, you are at your most creative and resourceful place in life. Almost everything of lasting value in this world has been created in the face of adversity or seemly impossible obstacles.

 

Know what you want?

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get it?

Ok great. Now’s your chance to prove it. 

30 days to get yourself back in the game.

I've made a few changes to the set up and rebranded my online coaching program to better reflect the results it gets and the people who would most benefit from it. 

“30 days to getting yourself back in the game” is all about helping people who find themselves stuck or limited to get back to being their best. 

Here’s the kind of person who would benefit from this program the most.

- About 40 years old (Male or female)

- Must have tasted success before and actually been in the game.

- Now find themselves limited by their health, their confidence and the fact that time seems to be running out for them to achieve their dreams. 

- They know that they are not at their best. They are ashamed to admit that they are stuck in survival mode in some areas of their lives. They are not sure how they ended up like this when things used to be going so well, and they have no idea how to get out of this place and get back into the game where they really belong.  

So if this is you, or you know someone who ticks all these boxes here's the link to book a 15 min call with me to find out if this program is exactly what you are looking for. 

https://jaeminfrazer.youcanbook.me/

The next 30 day program starts on the 31st of October. Places are limited.

The 5 aspects of overcoming the fear of success

The fear of success is such a massive issue when it comes to people self-sabotaging their own goals. The Fear of success is often more powerful in holding people back than the fear of failure because of how subtle it is. 

Here is a classic example of this fear in operation to show you how it works. 

One of the most common outcomes people are looking for in coaching is weight loss. Often people imagine that to lose weight would give them more confidence. Yet if that was as good as it sounds, they would have found a way to get it already because there is no lack of opportunity to lose weight or gain confidence. 

I always ask people then, “So what’s so dangerous about confidence that would cause you not to go ahead and take it? 

See a confident person backs themselves, says yes to challenges, put themselves in the spot light, get more judgement from others, fail more, experience more stress, pressure and uncertainty. These hazards are things that an unconfident person never has to face. 

People often imagine that the biggest fear is failure, but we know how to fail. The fear of success is actually far greater for most people, because of how uncertain it is. 

The fear of success is actually built around 5 key issues:

  • Awareness
  • Certainty
  • Safety
  • State
  • Story

  

Lets first explore each aspect of this very subtle yet powerful fear. 

1. The fear of success is an issue of awareness

Because the concept of the fear of success is counter-intuitive, lots of people would not even believe that it is a thing. Yet, the surprising thing is that the fear of success is often a bigger hindrance than the fear of failure for most people. If you can’t see it, or you don’t believe it is a thing, the fear operates unchallenged is free to do what ever it likes in your life.

When it comes to thinking about actually succeeding the key is to see what specifically you are afraid of that is made more real by success rather than failure. For example; will friends who don’t know how to cope with your success reject you? Will you be judged? Or is it that once you have succeeded you have now set a standard to sustain; Awareness is 90% of the issue. Turn the lights on and have a look at exactly what you are dealing with.  

2. The Fear of success is an issue of certainty

All humans crave a sense of order, control and safety. Anthony Robbins says it is one of our 6 core needs. One of the scariest things about success on the other hand that it pushes out into the unknown. See we know how to fail…we do it so often it is familiar and safe, yet success always pushes us into uncertainty beyond comfort zones into new and unknown experiences.

The need for certainty has to be met, so the key is to let go of the need to try and control things that are ultimately out of out capacity to control and focusing 100% on what we can control. We can’t control what happens to us, what others think of us or whether or not things will go they way we desire. But we can be certain about our ability to choose or response. Overcoming the fear of success is about backing ourselves to be able to deal with whatever challenges success may bring. That is resourceful certainty. 

3. The fear of success is an issue of state

Your mental, emotional state or way of being totally affects the outcomes you produce in your life. Our state determines what we are capable of and what becomes impossible. If you are in a great state for example, you have access to your best ideas, creativity, intuition, and magic. But if you are in a poor state, its almost impossible to make good decisions, be creative or access energy and motivation. So, the fear of success only surfaces when you are in a poor state. If you are in a great state, the fear and the associated self sabotage totally disappears. This means state is king. If you can control your state, you can also control this fear. 

Let me remind you the 3 quickest ways to manage your state. 

a) Change your focus, - fix your attention on positive things

b) Change your physiology – breathe, stand tall, dress for success 

c) Change your language – use words, phrases and metaphor that are full of life, energy and positivity

4. The fear of success is an issue of safety

I love the coaching space and how useful it is to help people make some massive changes but because it is such a positive possibility place, sometimes people make passionate commitments to make massive action that in reality is very high risk an unlikely to work out well. In order to give your self permission to succeed it has to be sustainable. You can’t turn off your need for safety. Every cell is wired for self-preservation.

So firstly it is crucial to reframe safety rather than trying to turn it off by asking what do I really been protecting from. It is crucial to ask: What are the real threats in my life? Stepping out of my comfort zone, or staying there?

The second key is weighing up the cost of achieving your goals. Everything comes with a price, have you considered the impact of you achieving your goals on your world? Being aware of both these things makes you stepping into success a much safer prospect. 

5. The fear of success is an issue of story

We all need stories to live out of yet some stories don’t allow you to succeed. They almost make you feel like success is somehow inappropriate, undeserved or a bad thing. Maybe it’s your family story…Perhaps you had a rich uncle who was also arrogant, rude and selfish. He was always the example of what not to become. So the thought of success is linked with the fear that money will ruin you. Or perhaps the Aussie story. We are one of the only countries in the world that has the tall poppy syndrome. We love the battler, and pride ourselves on our humility. Sometimes even the religious story holds people back from success. Poverty is esteemed and money is evil. Whatever your story, the key is to live out of a story that make is Ok to succeed and give yourself the permission to flourish

How does the fear of success most affect or limit you?

 

For more information about transformational change, check out my book "Elegantly simple solutions to complex people problems. http://jaeminfrazer.com/shop/

The 12 game changing principles used by great coaches.

Real change doesn't happen that often...It is possible though. 

All you really need in order to change anything in your life is the right framework, and someone to skilfully hold you in that place until it works. 

I'm convinced that the transformational coaching framework creates the most leverage for change possible. 

Here is why. 

These 12 themes or coaching processes are non-negotables of facilitating lasting transformation. Great coaches ALWAYS hold the space for their clients around these principles. 

In no particular order 

1. 100% responsibility. You results are your results. You are not a victim. Blame and excuse is natural and enjoyable but it gives you zero power to change your situation. You are an adult. You are not broken. You created these current results to achieve a specific intention, so you could change them and create different results as soon as you are ready.

Great coaches bring absolutely no wanting to the table. Wanting others to change and grow is a form of judgement and totally undermines clients taking responsibility for their own lives. 

2. 100% choice. You are exactly where you have chosen to be. You get to choose everything that matters. If you have more choice, you will make better choices. Letting go of the illusion of no choice brings hope to any situation. 

3. Well formed outcomes. What specifically would you like to have happen? What is the intention behind what you want and what are the consequences of getting what you want? The moment the conversation moves away from a focus on outcomes it stops being a coaching conversation and all leverage for change is gone. 

4. Relevant high performance state. What state do you need to be in to access each particular outcome? State is king, if you can control your state, you can control your outcomes.

5. Being precedes doing. Who do you need to be in order to achieve your desired outcomes? You can show up in the world as who ever you want to be. Identity is a fluid concept. All we have in life is story. People who succeed just tell better stories than those who don't. Everything is created twice. You will have to believe it and see it as a concrete reality in your mind before you will experience that reality manifest in your world. 

6. Separating behaviour from intention. You are not your behaviour. Every negative behaviour has a positive intention and is always about meeting a core need. To change behaviour therefore it is crucial to explore the intention of the behaviour and design a new strategy that meets the original intention and is also aligned to the desired outcome and core values.

7. Awareness. If you can't see it, you can't change it. High quality questions and curiosity in a judgement free space. Language patterns are an accurate window into subconscious programs. New awareness always brings more choice. 

8. Rapport with self. Sustainable change comes when you work with yourself and build great rapport with yourself rather than fighting against yourself. This requires you to develop a reliable internal communication system. 

9. Internal success and significance. Letting of external attachment and defining yourself by your roles, relationships, possessions, achievements, performance etc taking 100% ownership of your own value and worth rather than needing validation, approval or acceptance from your external world.

10. Limiting beliefs. Every issue in your life ultimately comes back to a limiting belief about self. Lasting change comes though facing limiting beliefs discovering their origins and replacing them with empowering beliefs capable of getting you more of what you want. 

11. Secondary gain. Letting go of all the benefits and rewards of living with blame and excuse. Every thing we complain about or tolerate but do not change must be working for you. You can take your power back the moment you are willing to part with treasures you received for giving it away in the first place. 

12. Engaging the subconscious throughout the process. Great coaching that facilitates genuine transformation is all about creating agreement and alignment between the clients conscious and subconscious. 

 

More information about my transformational coach training here: http://jaeminfrazer.com/training/