5 ways to escape gaslighting
Gaslighting is the process of subtly planting seeds of doubt in a person’s mind, causing them to question their sense of reality, their memory of events, and to question their judgement about what is right and wrong. While it is quite common, gaslighting is also very painful and terribly destructive.
Typically, you are most likely to be gaslight only when trying to address difficult issues with those you care about.
This kind of psychological warfare as simply a form of resistance to the change process. If they can weaken your perception causing you to back down and withdraw your demands for change, they get to stay in their safe zone and don’t have to address any of their own insecurities.
The way out of gaslighting
If you’re trying to improve your relationship with someone you love and they’ve begun defending their insecurities by gaslighting you, there are five ways to hold your ground.
1. Find internal certainty
You’ve got to find your own true north internally. Having an internal compass and being able to access your own true north even when you get bumped off course is essential to surviving the manipulation of gaslighting. Even if you are the only one who knows what is true, that is enough to stand strong in the storm.
If you’re a person who typically relies on someone else to create true north for you, you’re vulnerable to gaslighting, because if they say something it must be true. In a moment that person can easily tweak the directions and make you question yourself, because you rely on them to set the directions for your life.
2. Provide internal safety
Secondly, and similarly – you have to provide your own safety. One of the most extraordinary pieces of personal development work is find safety internally rather than externally: to be the one who’s got your own back; to be the one who understands you; to be the one who gets you; to be the one who affirms and loves you.
When the gaslighting is happening, your job is to be able to say to yourself: ‘Hey, listen, I don’t think you’re crazy. I don’t think you’re losing your mind. I think you’ve got a valid point. I hear what you’re saying. I’m not trying to weaken you. I’m not trying to undermine you. I see you. I love you. I accept you. You are safe with me. You’re not a bad person. You’re doing the best you know how, and your position is okay with me.’
3. Develop internal security
The intent of the gaslighting strategy is to make you feel like it is you who has done something wrong and that you are the bad person in the story.. It is only with a deep sense of personal security that you will be able to hold your position without feeling guilty or selfish or like you are somehow in the wrong.
If you are not operating from a place of insecurity, there are no buttons people can press to cause you to fold, weaken or back down. You are much more likely to be able to see through others’ manipulation strategies if you are secure in your own sense of self.
4. Hold relationships tightly and loosely at the same time
If you believe someone has to be in your world for the rest of your life, you are vulnerable. This means you are forced to tolerate whatever nonsense they dish out
Instead, don’t cling to relationships, but hold them tightly and loosely at the same time. Love people wholeheartedly, and then let them go if they don’t desire to stay, or fail to meet your requirements to stay.
This also means examining what you stand to lose in the worst- case scenario if things go badly. you must understand what leverage can be used against you in order to weaken or undermine your willingness to hold the line. If you are not willing or prepared for this worst-case scenario, you must withdraw your complaint – otherwise you will lose.
5. Take nothing personally
And finally, take nothing personally because it’s not about you. If someone is undermining your psychology; weakening you; making you question your memory, your perception, your judgement; making you feel like the bad person; putting it all back on you so that they get to stay safe – it’s actually not about you. It’s because of their stuff, it’s their challenges, it’s their journey, it’s their insecurity, it’s their defence mechanism. It’s their sense of being threatened that’s causing them to behave in a way that’s hurting you. It is not about you, and it never has been.